I feel like lately everything has been a perpetual roadblock.

   I keep trying to find some sort of a path, some way to find myself.

   That's the real problem.

   I seem to have misplaced Jordan.

   I quit theatre. I'm being forced to give up some of my dance classes. I've been away from school friends. I've been away from my family. I've even been away from my church family for pieces of time.

   I don't feel like myself and I don't know why.

   I guess it was after NTC#3 that I realized I wasn't getting joy out of the same things I had been for the past 16 years of my life.

   I fell into this sort of perpetual funk.

   I'm using the Red Light Green Light analogy that Aaron HG came up with during Foil Impressions on Saturday night.

   Life goes through its ups and downs. The high points are like when God calls green light. The low points are when God calls red light. The lowest points are when God says, "Hey, put the car in reverse would you?"

   For me the most confusing moments are when I'm told, "You're going to just stay on yellow light for a while ok?"

   Yellow light has put me through some of the most hellish moments of my life. I feel like this year has been the biggest string of slow dissapointments and let downs.

   At the same time yellow light has given me the people I depend on most, some of the most rewarding experiences of my life, and the ability to look at myself a little closer. Yellow light has given me a LOT of time to think.

   Bill Miranda and I were talking on mission trip. He found out I had quit theatre and he told me, "Never ever give up on your dreams. It may be a rough patch, but never give up on something you love."

   I guess I'm cramming all of the wisdom I've gotten in the last few months in this. I'm trying to make some sense of what's going on in my world.

   I feel like everyday something new inspires me, but over time it just falls away. Few things seem constant anymore.

   I was counting on this weekend to help me pull through. However I wasn't expecting it. I've heard that if you expect the worst, you aren't generally dissapointed (HH is a constant source of support and wisdom). Dissapointment isn't something I take well. So why expect too much?

   This is the only time in life I've found this to be wrong. I went into the weekend upset to be leaving my family, especially my grandmother and my great uncle. I came out of this weekend with a newfound love for my other family. I've always said family doesnt always share your blood or your DNA. My church family and celebration family certainly fit the mold. Every single moment I heard some something that helped me to sort things out.

   Katie said, "Don't worry. It's not goodbye. It's just see you later."

   Chris made me cry and quoted my song, "I've heard it said people come into our lives for a reason."

   Ethan attempted to throw me into the lake and made me laugh every single moment.

   My family opened up and helped me to get a little perspective on my issues.

   Harry Hodge did Christ Nails. Which is all I want in every Celebration for the rest of my life.

   The party gave me time to dance like there was no tomorrow.

   I got about 17 hours of sleep total, and I wasn't a complete zombie.

   Tara Porr gave a talk, and in it said, "I had to give up the worrying. You can wonder. I wonder all the time. But you can't worry about things. You have to give it up."

   That hit me like a ton of bricks (sorry, again, I'm getting cliché). All my life I've been a worrier. I've worried over every little thing. I never thought it was a bad thing. I assumed that being the over prepared, most responsible, adult like kid on the playground was a good thing. I don't really remember being a kid. I don't really remember doing all those silly things other kids did. I can't ride a bike, partly due to my clumsiness, and partly due to the fact that I didn't want to take the time to learn. I wanted to watch CNN and read Shakespeare.

    I guess I'm going to be stuck on yellow light for a while. And for the first time, I'm ok with that. I feel like maybe I've gained a little more knowledge of myself. Maybe I'll be able to get things together. Maybe I'll end up on green light sometime soon. I wonder?